i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Just cropdusted the office
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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