you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
