If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
