I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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