Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
