i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
