Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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