Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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