Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
