I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Operation Purity has been aborted
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
