apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
