Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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