is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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