In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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