do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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