how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
