omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
