I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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