Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize