just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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