he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
