my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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