You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
