yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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