So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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