im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Randomize
