You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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