I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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