I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Im part way to drunk.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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