ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize