Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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