Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
As shirtless as possible
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
