did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
