i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Everything about him screamed your future.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
