Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
