I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
