A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
