dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
