nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There's always time for handjobs
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
