mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
