Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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