The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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