so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I am one with the molecules
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
