I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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