It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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