if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Help me help you realize you are a moron
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
