I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
