is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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