I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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