I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
