I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
