I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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