Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my phone needs a breathalizer
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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