We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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