Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
two words...techno handjob
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
