i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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