I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
This is the high leading the old right now
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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