my mouth tastes like poor choices
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She needs sedatives and a leash
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
