my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
