my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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