Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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