Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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