theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
