i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
