I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
