I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
