You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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