If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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