so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
