Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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