I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
