i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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