Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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