We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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