To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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