i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
