So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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